Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
