I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
