Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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