he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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