her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize