Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
