I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
