I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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