Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
