The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
