I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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