On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i will never coherently bang her
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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