I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
