we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
