I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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