And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
