New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
