i think i have herpe
just one?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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