R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
