Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
