theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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