It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
