ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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