tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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