My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
