I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
