there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
