true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
