Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
