new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
