Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
