Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
