I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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