Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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