sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize