Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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