life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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