4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
