My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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