would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
