When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
