I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
