sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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