someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
