i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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