i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
