i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
