So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
