I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
