so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize