Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
