i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
