I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
