I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
