i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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